beef

two things have got my back up recently. cameron diaz's scary-ass, dead-behind-the-eyes, plastic surgery face in the sunday times culture magazine is one. getting priority seat trumped on the bus by a fat, mulleted woman is two. are they remotely linked? can i bring them together to make this one coherent beef? i doubt it. but here goes.

i'm fundamentally deeply freaked out by plastic surgery. sure, by all means get some fake titties and a new ass in tiajuana, but all the face-plumping collagen shit is a big old no-no. in my books, once you start cutting up your face or sticking stuff underneath to plaster up the cracks, you're on a slippery slope to no longer being a person. instead, you become a thing. occasionally still quite a sexy thing, but a thing nonetheless. as soon as you compromise on the display of emotional register in your face, you compromise on your fucking humanity. and you start down the road to becoming a wierd AI sex-bot. like Jude Law in, well, AI.

Gigolo Joe

so. back to the cameron diaz article. there's this picture of her on one page, where she's doing her best bride of chucky impression, and then the writer has prolapsed this eulogy about her ageless face and infinite youth on the other. the tagline is 'the girl who won't grow up'. quite.

this all comes about from her doing another flirty, little-girlish role in her newest film gambit. i mean, in knight and day, the film she did recently with cruise control, her face was practically falling off as she blushed and gasped her way through a series of action sequences like an orgasmic teen. needless to say, the manic intensity of her face was largely balanced out by cruise's own horrorshow boat race. the more i've thought about it, the more i'm convinced that it wasn't really him in that film, just a stunt double wearing an MI2 style tom cruise mask that didn't quite fit.

basically, what i'm trying to say, i think, is that the only type of role i could ever really dig diaz, or cuise, or any of the other ageing, hollywood surgery-clan of superstars playing these days, would be one which actually acknowledges the fact that their character has had loads of fucked up plastic surgery and now looks fucking weird. in fact i'd really dig that. it would be brave as fuck. i mean, if any of them fancy an oscar over the next few years they should seriously consider it.

ok. i'm glad to have got that off my chest. i feel like one of those toxic breast implant chicks after a boob reduction. 

on to my second beef.

me and my friend petey were riding on the bus yesterday with two or three big bags of his stuff, shipping them from my yard to his sister's. when we got on it was pretty much empty apart from a snoozing philipino at the back, so plonk goes the luggage on that little rack near the driver, and down we go in the seats behind it, cos hey, you always wanna keep one hand on your stuff on public transport. not cos anything's actually going to happen, but just to massage your paranoia.

so we're chatting away when looming up over us appears this beefy lady in her 50s. she's got a jaw like a polak construction worker, and a mullet straight off the set of winter's bone. 'excuse me', she says, looking at us with dead eyes. we wait for her to continue. nada. she grinds her teeth. 'oh, sorry!' my friend's clocked on faster than i have, we're sitting in the priority seats. 

we explode upwards in a profusion of apologies, the two of us doing our best hugh grant impressions, and make way for her to completely gazump our seats. no 'thank you', no acknowledgement - us, still babbling bullshit like reprimanded school kids. i mean, how dare we even consider sitting in a priority seat when someone actually deserving of it might be held up from being seated there for an extra 10 seconds. 

and then we look around. there isn't a single seat taken. all four of the seats just after the doors - the ones that don't even require a step up - empty. she could have walked on two more metres, but, instead, she decided to pull rank on us.  for the sake of it. we look back. on consideration, she's not even in her 50s. more like her 40s. and she's hardly fragile. in fact, she looks like she might arm wrestle for pitchers of beer on the weekends. or rape middle class inmates doing time for fraud. 

in other words, we've just been yoked. a rudeboi has walked up to us, asked to see our phones and we've offered to show him the pin code and how the apps work. what a fuckin' hooah. ralph cifaretto wouldn't take this shit. and the only retribution i could hope for was some genuine senior citizen to bowl up and pull rank on this bitch. or i could take the scissors from petey's washbag and cut off her mullet.

but instead, i had to be content with just standing there, narrowing my eyes and casting bad juju on her.

maybe she fell in the shower this morning. who knows.

She was a hooah, Tony!

ok. so i haven't managed to link these two subjects up at all. as an apology i offer you something completely unrelated.

funny pictures of kids.

peace

loadsa links

van damme goes kurtz   the universal soldier franchise was a big part of my youth. i can only hope you were so lucky. well, it's back. ooooh yes. and it looks like it's going to do everything carl urban's Dredd didn't, wouldn't or couldn't. it looks psychedelic and brutal, or, brutally psychedelic.. or psychedelically brutal? i don't know. but pretty intense stuff. universal soldier: day of reckoning

fuck the fucking world mother fucker   the best thing to hit youtube in a while. this guy is germany's answer to steve-o. cannonball!!

joey bada$$   17 year old NY rap prodigy. absolutely killing it. joey bada$$ | hardknock

miami nights   one of channel 4's series of random acts. a portrait of two girls on the neon soaked, sleazy streets of miami, set to sebastien schuller's track nightlife. a real pleasure. emily kai-bock | nightlife

ghosst(s)   a pretty freaky animation. slightly uncomfortable viewing for those of you that like trippy anime. lorn | ghosst(s)

puntual serveeses   one of the best pieces of online grammar i've seen. quite the treat. man and van

beer chase   my favourite ad out at the moment. carlton draught | beer chase

coming soon..? probably not   one book i would love to see on the silver screen. the windup girl

the next big thing   this kid has more of the right moves than tom cruise. and he had all the right moves. i'm taking evening classes to learn this routine in time for new years. indian kid dancing

inspector norse

wow. i haven't dug an electronic tune this much for a while. it's like Todd Terje was comissioned by sega to make the soundtrack for a Barbarella: Queen of the Universe video game on the megadrive. needless to say, that's a game that definitely should've been made.

but, instead, its the soundtrack to Kristoffer Borgli's short film, Whateverest (perhaps the best name ever?), and it couldn't be a sweeter match. the film's a wicked character study of Marius Solem, a loney, suburban Scandinavian lad who just don't know no better. i haven't seen moves like these since i went to a psy-trance rave in copenhagen... isn't it secretly how we all want to dance? no? just me?

there's always been something a little tongue-in-cheek about the whole space disco sound, but this track's got that unashamed synth-fetishism that's almost self-consciously ridiculous. a full power synth-gasm. pretty much the perfect musical vibe for a self-loathing, stomping loner to gum mandy and weap to. good style.

JOCK ON WAX

looks like that high protein diet's paid off.

JockTalk has just released an EP on the vinyl only record label Tusk Wax. this has been in the mix for a while now, so its great to see it out in the ether and getting the love it deserves. some jaw dropping grooves straight out of the Jock's subterranean sex dungeon, so clean out your ears and get your pom-poms ready, cos you can hear it in short right here.

if you're a vinyl man, make sure to pick it up. in stores by the beginning of august, or message them on the Tusk Wax fan page and they'll send you one faster than you can say touchdown.

Tusk Wax 7

2.1 litres of fluid

this guy.


i stumbled across this about half an hour ago. i now know it word for word. prepare yourself

i am proud to give you, dan fredenburgh

(APPLAUSE)

anyone that likes a guy that knows how to use film reel as an acting tool, look no further

flying houses

photographs by Laurent Chehere

blood orange

deceit, murder and arcades. all in a night's work for new york's primo hipster, devonte hynes. more 80s than rick astley's dance moves, hynes pedals his retro r'n'b under the stage name Blood Orange. his heartachy vocals and low-fi synths evoke a kind of b-movie pastiche fantasy, from highschool drama in the lunchroom to noirish femme fatals and getaway driving badasses. finally we've got the video his music deserves: blood simple meets the wraith. wassup


a perfect celebration of americana. keep an eye out for american ninja 4 on the motel tv..

astronomics

the carina nebula

spiral galaxy NGC 3962

                                                             
                                                   the crab nebula, a supernova remnant


these images were captured by the hubble telescope. they're combinations of two or more black and white exposures, with colour added during the image processing. the  hubble team describe the process of reconstructing the colour tones from the telescopes data readings as being 'equal parts art and science'. pretty cool

on this general tip, everyone should watch the documentary series through the wormhole. presented by morgan freeman doing his best god impression, you couldn't really ask for more from a science programme. brian cox can gobble a d. link

look out for morgan's incredible turns to camera and his curious right ear-ring...

pixels

patrick jean's 8 bit aliens take apart NY one brick at a time. bonace mon frere. pixels

sound of my voice

looks like the help's got a bit slack on the hoovering.

this image is taken from the new psycho thriller sound of my voice, staring brit marling, a young shorty that's about to be very big in hollywood. the unpronounceable director zal batmanglij's last film, another earth, has an identical planet to ours crop up a couple of kilometres outside our atmosphere - where it turns out there's another you... and there are space tickets to go check out how the other half lives. pretty high concept, and this one's no less so.

i'm not going to say too much about the film because you can watch the first 12 minutes on the movie's website. and they're a strong 12 minutes. shit, if the picture's not enough to make you want to check it out, you've got no imagination and should get cracking on your application form to work in the civil service.

sound of my voice

guess that cunt getting eaten...

azalea banks, if you don't know... well... now, i guess you do know. 

definitely one to take home to the parents.

i'd totally forgotten about this video, but i just can't see how that could have happened. the track pretty much speaks for itself. in about 15 different dialects, and with some of the whitest teeth since the late Mr Colgate. 

more to the point, she pretty much got the best fe-gasm face in the business.

you feel my power, baby?

i think you'll agree, that was tellin' her.

well, if you like that, you should like Tony G even more. he's the Rhodesian, poker playing love child of Kenny Powers and Alan Partridge. the man is undeniable.

probably my favourite moment is his petulant little outburst at 1.18

are you the captain? you're not my captain.

priceless

splurge

i admit it. i've been remiss. i haven't been around as much as i'd like.

i know missed your piano rehearsal. i'm sorry. i'll be at the next one, i swear.

...so, to make up for lost time i thought i'd splurge links like a bugsy malone cream-pie gun. in. yo. face.

without further ado:

a great case for chimp olympics link

dating sea captains. who wouldn't want to? link

its not just humans and dolphins that do it for pleasure link

the only thing sweeter than this experiment are the guys doing it link

ken russell's take on the quest for the original self...via DMT link

...and finally, the best short i've seen in a while. from the director of the upcoming snow white. if you happen to have a phobia of toothy vaginas, look away now... link

thanks to Adam, Max, Alex, Daisy and... whoever else deserves some

space sleaze

R Kelly's been cracking me up for about as long as i can remember, but somehow i missed out on his 2007 release SEX PLANET. yes, that's right.

probably the most ridiculous name a track's ever been given. which is fitting, because it's probably the most ridiculous track that's ever been made. mainly because it's so fookin' earnest.

rocking an earnest vibe with x rated lyrics is the sole preserve of r'n'b, and that's probably why i love it so much. and never have lyrics been so x rated with such sincere delivery. i doff my cap to you Kels.

'girl i promise this trip will be painless, painless / gonna take a trip to planet uranus, anus'

cheesus christ

lunch money up front

after a seismic performance on tuesday we're still clearing out jockstraps from The Showroom, nerds are still waiting to be let out of lockers and the last time we saw The Jock he was taking the entire cheerleading squad up to make out point.

he only came to do two things, and he'd already drunk some beers.

so, here's a little bit of inspiration for all you wanna be jocks out there. time for a training montage.

JOCTALK | LIVE

Anyone in Bristol should make their way down to the Parlour on College Green for next Tuesday, the 21st Feb, for an evening with JockTalk and Le Donk. The Jock will be starting on nerds from 10pm, so be on time and don't forget to bring your lunch money. I got dutch rubbed into putting on the visuals, so you'll see a couple pieces from me too. Needless to say there'll also be some music.

CHECK THIS LINK

JOCKTALK | PERFORMING LIVE @ BRISTOL ARTS WEEK

sex, money, mayhem

Project Mayhem are an unsigned crew from Chicago, keeping it strictly pm in the am. refreshingly fresh. not a gold chain, escalade or supreme cap in sight. now isn't that better?

shot in the characteristically street style creative control have got under lock and key, these two videos give you a sense of where hip hop came from and what it was once about. rhythmically reminiscent of Edo G, with beats that Pete Rock would be proud of.

not to mention that Young Lennon's got the deepest voice in the game since J5's Chali 2na. not to be sniffed at.

PROJECT MAYHEM | MUSIC, MONEY, MAYHEM

PROJECT MAYHEM | JUST CHILL

to fop or not to fop

i've recently developed a taste for period dramas. i know. 

the costumes, the sets, the scenery and, most of all, the foppery. i just can't get enough. don't get me wrong, you're not going to catch me watching Pride and Prejudice, now. i like my fops continental. none of that English manners bullshit. 

these are, however, to my mind, the two greatest ever made. 

Amadeus is basically a period, rock biopic. Mozart, it turns out, was a serious fookin' superstar. prima donna as fuck. it's up there with the very best rivalry driven films: Salieri's obsession with Mozart is as beautifully depicted as any i've seen on screen.

Barry Lyndon is perhaps my favourite rise-and-fall movie ever. boy, his rise just couldn't be sweeter. from timid, romantic country lad, Barry duels and shags his way to a peerage. only to have it all taken away from him by his step-son, the scheming super-fop, Lord Bullingdon. pure genius. its Flashman without the cowardice.

so, powder your wigs and limp up those wrists, here are a couple of snap-shots from both.

    Amadeus

    Barry Lyndon

don't waste any more time. go and watch them.

latest

two websites i've been haunting recently.

as low-end professional film-makers, they've seriously got their shit together. everything they do is cheap and easy, and comes out looking sick.

creative-control.tv

creative control are a production company making music videos and short culture pieces out of the States. all hand-held, soft-focus and low-budget.

HBTV

hypebeast is an online magazine, also Stateside. hypebeast.tv is their vimeo channel. it's a masterclass in culture-piece documentary making, and they're all around the five minute mark.

always style, and sometimes substance too.

Flight Facilities

inspired by a shared interest in crapping at altitude, two unknown, super-cool, super-mysterious djs came together to form Flight Facilities. they're so unknown that only me and anyone else willing to look past the first hit on google can tell you who they are: Jimmy2sox and Jordan Lightyear, from Sydney.

or maybe that's just what they want us to think?

either way, you've probably seen their video for Crave You. fresher than morning dew and newly mown grass. whitney brown's legs extending upwards indefinitely as she nails a headstand. woodland ambling. inexplicable, slow-mo smoke machine. pretty stirring stuff, i'm sure you'll agree.

well they haven't dropped the ball with the video for their latest track, Foreign Language. so dope Colin Farrell probably busted they ass trying to smuggle it in.

what a joy. if only there was a whole series.

Model 500

Model 500, father of techno. so says wikipedia. certainly very cool whatever.

these tracks have been carrying me through a lot of screen-hugging over the last few days. i feel like i should share them. i don't even much like techno, but they're so 80s it doesn't matter

d'you wan' em'?  take em'. go on kid.. they're yours

Model 500 | No UFOs

Model 500 | Night Drive (Thru Babylon)

Jim Jarmusch

nothing is original. steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. if you do this your work (and theft) will be authentic. authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. and don't bother conceiling your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. in any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: "its not where you take things from - it's where you take them to. - Jim Jarmusch

great take on plagarism.

happy birthday to Mr. Jarmusch. coming a bit late in the day, but as ever its the though that counts.

above are some of my favourite images from his films.

word is he's taking on a new vampire flick, and if anyone can break the current, stilted mould, he can. with Fassbender, Mia Wasikowska and John Hurt on board things are looking up for cinematic bloodsuckers.

cannee wait.

strictly cum dancing

this is probably a little late on the uptake, but i thought it deserved a mention nonetheless. just in case there's anyone out there that hasn't seen Argentina's response to Jason Donovan..

when The Sun gets to censoring, you know something's up.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/video/tv-biz/3854870/Strictly-too-sexy-in-Argentina.html

that routine would put Michael Fassbender to shame. him and his Best Supporting Actor.

not JUST fun and games

the 90s was all about positivity. the zeitgeist was clear, from Ultra Nate to Rozalla, Sonique to A Tribe Called Quest: we're all free to express ourselves, to do what we want to do, to feel good, and generally love ourselves and each other. how nice. just throw pills into the mix and you've got a generation of people wearing waistcoats and fisherman hats, tie-dye and spandex; telling strangers how much they love them and generally doing some seriously sweet dancing.

alas, it wasn't all like that. on the otherside of the spectrum we have fear. OH so much fear. 

who knows, maybe the Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles are teaching your kids black magic? maybe that shifty kid with the ripped jeans and long hair's been selling little Jimmy psychedelic heroin? after all, its the 90s - anything's possible, isn't it? 

so, a brief celebration of 90s FEAR videos. remember, it's not just fun and games.

strange, though. so much fear, and no-one found these bearded suits hanging around toyshops worrying?

its all pretty Swayze from Donnie Darko. i mean, the guy with the tash and mullet's not suspicious at all. though he did remind me of someone.

the powerglove

they say the Roman's brought flush loos and underfloor heating to England in the 1st century AD. then they bunked off, and quality of life 'til the late 19th century was having enough hay to cover your mud floor. it just goes to show, you gotta look back if you want to move forward.

videogame designers must have been slapping them themselves for forgetting about this guy... its only a fookin' POWERGLOVE!! its Minority Report meets tetris. boom.

wii can take a dick. give me NES technology any day.

in fact, gaming in the '90s was so cool, Nintendo were even making elderly apes dj. thas wassup.

you said it, Derek.

if any Nintendo execs out there are listening, bring back the powerglove and use it to wedgie yourselves until you start thinking straight.

a shadowy character...

mushrooming without fear? it would be nice.

but don't be fooled by the cherubic face, the twinkling eye, the beguiling smile. beneath the innocent exterior lies a goblin, cold and calculating, waiting to get out.

if you want proof, just look at his shadow...

oh my Gondry

Michel Gondry: filmmaker, animator, installation artist, all round big dog. muh fuggin GREAT DANE. he's the guy that made Eternal Sunshine, but he's done oh so much more. his music videos for Bjork, Radiohead and Chemical Brothers are all well worth a look.

here are two of his ads: they've got to rank among the best commercials ever made.

for this smirnoff advert, he freakin' pioneered bullet time, that's all.

his shit makes the matrix look low concept. serious G

here's a link to his latest thang, a book/film.. sounds wierd - it is
http://www.michelgondry.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=BK-9780984589203

namesake...

when i was surfing the net to see if this name was taken by any other enterprising website, i came across this.

it reassured me i was on the right track..